8-24-12

6 weeks today. Which gives me 6 weeks to have a plan in place for a cerclage. I really can't help but question the timing of this, despite how grateful we are, the last thing we want is to lose this little one too. My poor husband is blaming himself for not making more money, all I can do is give him a big hug. He's been so amazing and strong through everything. Not many men would agree to the things he agreed to, all to have another child. It's in no way his fault. I do blame myself though, this is my piece of sh*t cervix I'm stuck with and we're in the middle of "I don't want to get sued" healthcare. No insurance is perfect and it's all a headache to deal with in it's own way. 

I wish I could understand what we're supposed to learn from this. We had a plan in place that we felt would be our best option against IC, so why change it? Would I have met an untimely demise flying to NJ? Lost my life during surgery? Lost my fertility? What was so wrong about seeing a doctor that actually cared and wanted to see us have a healthy, full term child? There really isn't any support here, my concerns constantly get brushed off just like they did before and that turned out horribly. Everyone insists I'll be fine with a standard TVC, on the basis it's works for most women. I couldn't be happier those who go on to have thier healthy babies with the aid of a TVC. I wish it could ease the feelings of dread inside of me but it doesn't. Every red flag and alarm bell goes off every time a TVC is brought up for the plan of care for me. It leaves me feeling helpless that no one believes me and refuses to take my feelings seriously. This baby deserves so much better than that, I hope something... anything comes along and will help get our baby to term, I would settle for even just short of term, just as long as he or she doesn't endure unnecessary suffering. 

8-18-12

So the surprising turn?? A rainbow baby coming in the Spring of 2013. =) Just as my husband and I decided to put ttc on hold and wait until next year, not to mention the odds we were given for getting pregnant on our own.

Well, unexpected but we are truly blessed and determined to get the best possible care. Hcg levels have been rising nicely so far and my OB is hoping to confirm baby is growing in the right spot soon, after an ectopic scare. I'm grateful that there is still hope for a TAC, so I'm not counting that out. Although if that's a no go, a TVCIC is a another great cerclage type and, according to my would have been TAC surgeon, the doctor in my area has a very good success rate with them. Fingers crossed insurance wont pose a problem and I'll just need a referral.

Thinking of you, my little sweetheart above, we miss you so much but we know you are looking down on all of us right now. I love you.

I knew this month was coming, I spent the first 8 days of August in tears. Azriel should be making his appearance, my husband would be setting up the birth pool, my midwife would be making her first visit to my home and I'd be going to weekly appointments... Instead, I'm making a memorial video and planning a balloon release. The people I have met along the way, have made this painful journey bareable. This is a journey no one deserves to be on and hugs to each mom and dad. 

Very recently, this month has taken a turn to become even more bittersweet. I have to wait until the 16th go know for sure but it's taken both of us by total surprise!