11-21-12

Thinking about birth, fx I make it to term to have an option, I'm looking into both a vbac and a family centered c-section. Both have their pros and cons medically and I'm well aware, but I need to go through my personal p&c to these. Pro for a vbac are many; immediate contact, bonding, breastfeeding, no long surgical recovery. Cons are more about how my cervix may behave and that worry cost me the birth place I really wanted, home with my midwife. :( Pros of a family centered c-section; I know what to expect, I can request an OB I'm comfortable with to do the surgery, mother friendly aspects of post natural birth. Cons is will this REALLY happen. How do I know it's not all 'lip service' to get me to agree and then it's business as usual once on the table. So, it comes down to trust, something that I really don't have a lot of in regards to Kaiser in general and most of the staff hasn't really done much of anything to deserve it. 

I'm thankful for the help I'm getting to locate a facility that has this style of practice in place, there isn't anything wrong or dangerous about it so I'm hoping it's available. If not, the other option is to wait until labor is very well under way and refuse a c-section. I'd prefer a more positive environment than that. 

10-26-12

Decisions, decisions about how to move forward in my care with this pregnancy. I truly resent my cervix, not surprisingly. It's really holding me back, I can't even drive long distances without being in pain and considering the baby still has lots of growing to do, it will get worse before it gets better. I really wish I could locate more supportive providers, I know they're out there but getting to them would be the problem. I hope those who have a normal cervix appreciate it because this really sucks! 

Sigh* How can you reason with providers that don't really have a supportive attitude to begin with. It seems they just do as little as possible with care and they can't wait to clock out. I doubt they would tolerate that kind of care for themselves or their loved ones, but we're supposed to be grateful for half-assed care?!? I can't wait to make it to hopefully make it to 35 weeks do I can get back to a cars provider that I do feel supported by, my regular OB. 

10-25-12

I'm really blessed to have an amazing support group, and not for IC but for the scar type on my uterus from my c-section. Funny how that worked out, even though it's nice to have a support group for IC, the feeling just isn't the same. I feel more understood in my scar group and I'm really thankful for that. I truly need it now. I've been crying non stop, the horrible nightmares, the lousy pernatologist we have to deal with.. I can't wait to get to the end but at the same time, this is most likely the last baby. I would like to enjoy being pregnant and have it last, but without feeling supported by those who are SUPPOSED to care for you, it's very hard. 
I guess this isn't going to really get better until the baby gets here. On the plus side, I feel more hopeful for a planned c-section. I still wonder if maybe I'd be better off trying for a vbac but I'll see what happens. 

10-14-12

The dollar menu was placed almost a week ago. It's physically a lot harder to get around than I thought it would be. Thankfully, my husband has been a great help and scored a great wheelchair. My 5 year old's teachers have been very sweet and understanding and help get him to the car so I don't have to get out and walk. I'm very grateful for that. 

Next step is my appointment with my regular OB to discuss options for a planned c-section. At least something should be a positive experience, settling for this lousy cerclage and even worse care providers is bad enough, then they expect me to plan my c-section with them????!!!! Yuck! Even though my husband likes the hospital, I do not want anything to do with that place after week 35. (assuming I make it there) Other people can use "baby steps" in a high risk pregnancy if they want but I don't completely agree with that mind set. Unless you already have a provider you like and trust, finding one takes time. So while I'm able, I'm starting the search. 

I also made the decision to not talk about my pregnancy in any IC forums until I feel up to it again. I'm glad everyone was supportive of my feelings and would welcome me back when I was ready. I hope I can get to that point but for now, it's best to find my own way through this. How could anyone else understand when they have game plans and doctors they trust? I just can't relate to anyone, I feel like I've just been set up to fail and go through another loss. That's certainly going to be uplifting to write about for the next few months, it's just better not to talk about it there and find a different support source. I just have to find one...

9-29-12

I'm so glad I decided to create a blog. I need the freedom to vent without worrying about who I may offend. Not that I would intentionally but I have a right to my own fears that no one will ever truly understand. 

Counting to down to cerclage time: The dreaded cerclage that I was hoping to avoid but forced into since it's either that or do nothing. It's pretty much the same thing as doing nothing, I wouldn't be surprised to experience a failure due to my cervix dilating right passed it like it's not even there. Yet OBs left and right say it'll be fine. Of course it will be fine for them, it'll be grand for THEM, they don't have to pick up the pieces of shattered lived when another child is needlessly lost. On to golf games on the weekend and spending time with family like nothing happened. Name a time when a doctor offered to cover the cost of a funeral for their botched and pathetic efforts placing a crappy cerclage? I'll wait..........................

Here's to embracing this piece of shit cerclage on the 8th. I even picked out a name; dollar menu. It's cheap, lazy, pathetically put together and inferior in quality, it even has McDonald in the name. Fits perfectly in my opinion. 

9-2-12

My little blueberry's first picture courtesy of the ER visit for bleeding after Azriel's balloons went up to meet him. Very scary but thankfully all looks okay. It made me realize that I really am wishing my pregnancy away. With all the hopes for a TAC dashed, stressing about not having many options and only looking down the road to November, mentally preparing for a second loss in less than a year.... I'm not enjoying the fact that my baby is here now. I'm pregnant today. I don't want to look back and wish I would have enjoyed my moments. I did with Azriel, and this little one deserves the same. Besides, 7+ weeks and still no MS?! I'm way over due.. So sweetie, starting today it's time to just relish in having you here. Of course I'll never stop fighting to protect you and if I think care providers aren't doing enough, they won't hear the end of it. It's not just me, your Daddy is no pushover either and with both of us together at every appointment.. well, I'm sure you can guess. :)

8-24-12

6 weeks today. Which gives me 6 weeks to have a plan in place for a cerclage. I really can't help but question the timing of this, despite how grateful we are, the last thing we want is to lose this little one too. My poor husband is blaming himself for not making more money, all I can do is give him a big hug. He's been so amazing and strong through everything. Not many men would agree to the things he agreed to, all to have another child. It's in no way his fault. I do blame myself though, this is my piece of sh*t cervix I'm stuck with and we're in the middle of "I don't want to get sued" healthcare. No insurance is perfect and it's all a headache to deal with in it's own way. 

I wish I could understand what we're supposed to learn from this. We had a plan in place that we felt would be our best option against IC, so why change it? Would I have met an untimely demise flying to NJ? Lost my life during surgery? Lost my fertility? What was so wrong about seeing a doctor that actually cared and wanted to see us have a healthy, full term child? There really isn't any support here, my concerns constantly get brushed off just like they did before and that turned out horribly. Everyone insists I'll be fine with a standard TVC, on the basis it's works for most women. I couldn't be happier those who go on to have thier healthy babies with the aid of a TVC. I wish it could ease the feelings of dread inside of me but it doesn't. Every red flag and alarm bell goes off every time a TVC is brought up for the plan of care for me. It leaves me feeling helpless that no one believes me and refuses to take my feelings seriously. This baby deserves so much better than that, I hope something... anything comes along and will help get our baby to term, I would settle for even just short of term, just as long as he or she doesn't endure unnecessary suffering. 

8-18-12

So the surprising turn?? A rainbow baby coming in the Spring of 2013. =) Just as my husband and I decided to put ttc on hold and wait until next year, not to mention the odds we were given for getting pregnant on our own.

Well, unexpected but we are truly blessed and determined to get the best possible care. Hcg levels have been rising nicely so far and my OB is hoping to confirm baby is growing in the right spot soon, after an ectopic scare. I'm grateful that there is still hope for a TAC, so I'm not counting that out. Although if that's a no go, a TVCIC is a another great cerclage type and, according to my would have been TAC surgeon, the doctor in my area has a very good success rate with them. Fingers crossed insurance wont pose a problem and I'll just need a referral.

Thinking of you, my little sweetheart above, we miss you so much but we know you are looking down on all of us right now. I love you.

I knew this month was coming, I spent the first 8 days of August in tears. Azriel should be making his appearance, my husband would be setting up the birth pool, my midwife would be making her first visit to my home and I'd be going to weekly appointments... Instead, I'm making a memorial video and planning a balloon release. The people I have met along the way, have made this painful journey bareable. This is a journey no one deserves to be on and hugs to each mom and dad. 

Very recently, this month has taken a turn to become even more bittersweet. I have to wait until the 16th go know for sure but it's taken both of us by total surprise! 

Feeling pretty good..

I have found a Perinatologist!!! =D 

While he did explain why he thought an abdominal cerclage wasn't the best idea, it's still my choice and he would be equally supportive. Pointing out if I had a change of heart and wanted a vaginal cerclage, (or plan B as I called it) I would be in good hands. I'm still leaning toward a TAC but since I could be sent directly to the MFM department next time, I'm glad I found one who isn't so anti-TAC. :)

A bit about me

I want to give the most credit to my wonderful and amazing husband, who truly is my soul mate and my very best friend. 


I've been meaning to blog for a while, I did once and then didn't get back to it. Given how I do like to write, I'm working on changing that. Mostly, this will be a blog dedicated to adding another member to our family. I'll start with the most basic part, how I met my husband...


We met in high school, we had the same art class. I was 16 and he was 18 going on 19, he got held back in Kinder if anyone's curious. DH was (and still is) the romantic love type, I was way more jaded and had no interest in relationships. He was really sweet though, brought me roses during the last week of school and asked me out. I agreed to one date. He says by the end, he was totally in love and knew we'd get married. Long story short, I put him through a LOT of heartache and frustration in the first few months but he was determined to convince me relationships and even marriage weren't 'a waste of time' and could be amazing when you're with the right person. I insisted I wanted children someday and didn't want someone to stand in my way, arguing about stupid stuff and spending money on ridiculous things. Why should I have to put up with that nonsense instead of doing it on my own, completely eliminating the headache of someone else's opinion on how and where money should be spent? Among other issues.. Again, his answer was the right person wouldn't do any of those things, but setting impossible standards wasn't the answer either. Just give him the chance to show me and I was free to walk away if I really didn't want to be with him.

In August of this year, we'll celebrate 12 years of marriage, 14 years of being a couple and 3 amazing boys with one angel waiting for us on the other side. While it hasn't always been perfect, considering we had to literally grow up together, I can't imagine my life without him. I guess he showed me. ;)